Unfortunately
some conflicts can become so confrontational and emotional that for
the couple, “winning the argument” and being right becomes
more important. It is important to point out that being right could
eventually ruin the marriage. Winning and making the other person
wrong is simply not worth the damage it does to the relationship, the
trust between the couple and their future ability to be able to
communicate easily.
Working
together and following the steps below will hopefully give you some
pointers on how to reach a mutually agreeable outcome. Always keep in
mind that if your partner loses, then it’s quite likely that
marriage does too.
*Be
clear about what the problem is; make sure you are both aware of what
you are working towards. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in
the emotion of the situation and forget what it was you were arguing
about. Therefore you need to identify what the problem is before you
can solve it. Your husband or wife might be angry because you spend
too much time at work and not enough time at home. Because of this
you may feel that your children and you are missing out on spending
quality time with your spouse. Once you are both clear on what the
issue is move onto the next step.
*Ask
your partner, in a non-confrontational way for what you need and want
in order to resolve the issue. Do not accuse and do not use insulting
language. Telling your husband or wife they are selfish is not a good
way to start. Use “I” messages and speak from the heart. Say
something like: “I feel hurt when we don’t get much time together
because you are working so much.” Then move onto ask for what you
specifically need and want.
*Be
prepared to listen to what your spouse has to say. One common
argument in marriages is that one or both spouses do not feel like
they are being heard. When your partner responds to your request,
listen to what they have to say and show them with your body language
and non verbal cues that you are listening. Do not interrupt.
Maintain eye contact and use verbal cues to show that you have heard
what they are saying, such as; “I hear what you’re saying or I
understand.” This is called active listening.
*To
get a win/win outcome in a conflict with your spouse you need to
deliberately search for a solution. If you feel you can’t come up
with one right away, then take a break. Doing this will give you and
your spouse time to think things over. When you return to the
discussion, try to have a brainstorming session and throw some ideas
around. Your spouse may not have a solution for how he or she can
spend less time at work. It could be a really busy time and not
doable for them at this time. If that is the case you need to let it
go, but if you are aware that your spouse is putting in extra hours
voluntarily then perhaps asking them to cut back a little would work
for you.
*Instead
of trying to win the argument and get your way, by brainstorming and
looking for a solution you are both comfortable with, you will more
than likely end up with an outcome whereby both of you win. Be
willing to “negotiate
and compromise.” Marriage is sometimes about sacrifice and
there could be a way you could give something up so that you and your
spouse are together more. This might seem like very hard work, and it
is but this kind of work is what builds a strong marriage and will
bring the two of you closer.
There
will be times when it will be impossible to get to a win/win
resolution, however you can agree to disagree or set things aside and
see where things go in the next few months. Thing change all the time
in our lives and you may be able to revisit the dispute down the line
with the intention of solving it. Don’t give up and throw your
hands in the air in frustration, just take a breath and agree with
your spouse to put the issue on the back burner for a short time.
Keep
in mind the next time you are arguing with your spouse, that winning
the argument is not necessarily a good thing. You may win this round,
but in end you are weakening your marriage.
Article
Sources:
For
more information about the author, visit: Jel
Writes or Whitney
Rose – Self Help Site
This article is also posted on Full of Knowledge
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