Relationships
are never perfect. Partners inevitably do something to upset their
significant other at some stage. But do you know how negative nagging
someone can be. How frustrating was it when you were nagged by your
parents to do whatever, all the time. Annoying; and it is never
effective in getting what you want.
Most
of us will nag our partners at some stage of the relationship and
this is a habit we get into probably because out parents nagged us,
and so on; however when a person is constantly being nagged, this is
when it becomes negative. And partners have left their spouses simply
because they cannot stand being nagged. Not a reason for divorce, but
it happens. I had a friend whose father left his mother for this
reason, and he subsequently missed out on knowing his Dad, which was
this man’s choice; but who stops seeing their kids because their
wife’s a nagger? The hope is; not many people.
Why
Do We Nag?
Well
this was answered before; but nagging is learnt behaviour and usually
taught by our Mum or Dad. However nagging can become a nasty habit
too. You know you shouldn’t nag, but you can’t help it.
Everyone
nags their partner about something. It's normal. And if everyone does
it, it must work, right? Wrong. It generally does not work, which is
surprising given so many people do this. Some people may give up out
of frustration and do what their partner asks; however this is the
exception rather than the rule. When most of us are nagged to death,
we dig our heels in and won’t budge an inch.
We do
it to release tension, or anger. We do it out frustration and we
don’t get why the other person does not understand us. We may think
our nagging will help someone; however nagging is the last thing that
will help. But the main reason we nag is fear; fear that our partner
will not make changes if we do not tell them what it is we don’t
like.
When
fear starts running the show; look out, you are heading down a
dangerous path. You have no idea what to do; so out of fear you nag;
and fear drives this negative behavior.
Why
Nagging Almost Never Works?
Nagging
doesn't work! It is counterproductive to your relationship. It does
nothing to solidify the bond between you or enhance communication.
Nagging can have the opposite effect. Here's why: Nagging is
criticism and criticism is negative, hostile, aggressive, and an
intimidating act. Nagging someone is akin to informing them that what
they are doing is bad or wrong. We may have the best intentions in
the world; however nagging is criticizing and most of us get
defensive if we are criticized. A person who gets defensive may shut
down in order to protect themselves. They will no longer be able to
process information in a healthy way. Nagging begets resistance and
the more resistant your partner is, the more damage is being done to
the relationship. It is impossible to maintain a positive exchange of
ideas and feelings if the messages are always negative. Love,
acceptance, support, goodwill and commitment cannot be nurtured in an
environment where nagging is prevalent.
What
To Do Instead
So now
you need to undo the damage that your nagging has done. Perhaps your
partner nags you about things, but once you begin to make change, you
will soon notice a difference in how you relate. Step by step you can
fix this; so as to get to better communication with your spouse:
Step
1: Stop Nagging
Right
now you need to stop nagging. Just stop nagging about anything, ever.
Your partner knows what you are upset about; believe me they know.
They will not forget, because they have been hearing your critical
words for some time now. Removing the nagging will mean they are no
longer on the defensive and if they are not constantly defending
their position then they will be more open to change. Breaking this
habit won’t be easy, you will need to be tough with yourself;
nagging your spouse is a habit that needs to be unlearned and removed
from your methods of communication.
Step
2: Is It Really Worth It
Think
things over and choose your battles. If the issues you were nagging
about are minor, it may be possible to let it go. Decide how
important it is to you. Is it worth causing your partner pain? Is the
behavior so destructive that you cannot tolerate it and move on?
Choosing to be closer to your partner is much better than the hostile
environment you are now in. If, after analyzing the issue carefully
it is important enough to pursue, then move on to Step 3.
Step
3: Change Your Behavior
The
only behavior we can control is our own, so good communication with
ourselves comes first. We have chosen to nag without any results so
we are changing this behavior. It will take time before the person is
open to change, especially if the nagging has been going on for
years. Inform your partner that you will not nag them anymore because
you know it causes them pain and you want to get rid of the negative
feelings in the relationship. Asking them how you can help them in
changing the situation for the better is the first step, and when
they tell you what they need, be sure to follow through with that
help. Once you know what to do, you can put this into action. Do it
no matter what, even if your partner does not follow through on their
part right away. Keep doing what they have asked and if necessary you
can ask them again if there is anything else you can do to help and
then do it. Knowing what to do will help you in the sense that when
we are frustrated and nagging our partner, it is largely because we
have no idea what to do.
In
Conclusion
Finding
a healthy compromise is a way to take control of a negative
situation. We must always be prepared to give and take and share
responsibly for our relationship to shine. It may not be all about
your partner or even his fault, there may be contributing factors and
some of it might be about what you can do. Things are never the way
we perceive them to be from another persons view. There will always
be something we can do; change, give up or own up to that will get
this process underway and bring about positive changes. Once we take
responsibility for our own behavior, our partner should follow suit.
Originally posted by Janelle Coulton on Beyond Jane - Triond
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