How many times have you heard women say that their boyfriend or fiances mother hates them? This is a problem that is so common these days that it’s kind of scary.
Mothers
that cannot cut the umbilical cord with their sons, are unhealthy,
dysfunctional and downright frustrating. When your boyfriend has a
relationship like this with his mother it is usually about the mother
not wanting to let go of her son. She believes her son is being taken
away and instead of trying to build a friendship with her soon to be
daughter in law, she will find fault with this girl and try to
convince her son to break up with her.
Are
you the girlfriend/fiance in this scenario? This situation is not
going to be easy for you, in-fact it will be downright annoying,
hurtful and frustrating. You might be the right girl for him and he
may profess to love you and want to marry you, but the obstacles you
will need to overcome are difficult to say the least. You may be
young and decide that you have all the time in world for boyfriends
and marriage and decide to walk away. But it’s not so easy if you
are madly in love with your man. How do you convince him to walk away
and be a man, independent of his mother? You may have your work cut
out for you. She could very well be the trouble making future in-law
from hell.
She might make up stories about her son’s behavior when you are not around, and when questioned by her son she denies saying it. It puts your boyfriend in the middle between you and his mother. The best thing you can do if you are going to try and work this out is make friends with his mother, and kill her with kindness. She will be surprised at this because she is hoping you will play her game and make yourself look bad in front of your boyfriend. But if you just be nice, and the next time she makes up stuff regarding her son’s behavior ask her quite innocently if she really believes that her son is seeing other women, because you believe he and you are building a relationship here. Then go on to say that he couldn’t possibly be seeing other women because he is busy at work, with me and helping you out. She may well back off.
It’s
all very well to get her to leave you alone, but you have no idea
what goes on behind your back and if you are going to achieve getting
your boyfriend to be independent of his mother, as it should be, then
you are in for more heartache than you realize. One way to tell if
you have a shot is to watch him. Is he obsessive about his mother and
what she thinks? Does he expect you to wait on him, hand and foot?
And lastly, does he act like a child and throw tantrums if things
don’t go according to his plan? These are all bad signs.
But
before you throw in the towel and call it quits you might want to
consider moving to another town or city. If you believe that you and
he are made for each other and meant to be, then you will need some
distance from his mother and family of origin anyway. If he has the
tendency to be a mummy’s boy then moving a few hours away would be
beneficial. However, having said that she may follow you there. If
she believes that this is the real thing for her son, she will be
frightened and scared of losing him. She may try to build a
friendship with you.
This
would be a problem because anytime you two have a lovers tiff; she
will be in it up to her neck, as it is an opportunity for her to get
her son back. It is not your place to try and heal her obsessive
nature, but she should see a counselor. And don’t take it
personally, she would do this to any woman he brought home. No-one
will ever be good enough for her son.
If
this relationship is what you want then you will need to be patient
and stick it out. You will need to get him to see that he cannot be
dependent on his mother for the rest of his life and if she is mean
or interferes, he needs to step up and tell her off. If he’s not
prepared to do that, then you need to run for the hills. If you are
able to get him to let go, then you have a much better chance of
building a life that is about the two of you and your future. Three
people in a relationship is just crazy and what’s more it is so
dysfunctional because the third person is your boyfriend’s mother.
Seriously,
if your boyfriend does think there is something wrong with his mother
being so demanding and obsessive, then there is likely something
wrong with him too. Perhaps the two of you can see a family counselor
and sort all this out. It is something that should happen before
marriage anyway, so if you are getting engaged then make sure that
you do some counseling, at least six months before the wedding. So
many more marriage would survive if this
was a condition for getting a married license.
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Further Reading:
Copyright © 2013 Angie Rose Whitney
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